


Are You Feeling Fate?

by RinAngel



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Awkward First Times, Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Coming Out, Did I mention they're both awkward, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Little Brother Mark Lee, M/M, Mentions of Anxiety, Mentions of homophobia, Pining, Sorry About This Fucky Timeline, lots of flashbacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:48:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28262631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RinAngel/pseuds/RinAngel
Summary: Neither Johnny nor Taeil believe in fate - though privately, Johnny can't think of a better explanation for it. How the electricity jumped between their eyes at first glance. How Taeil's body fits so effortlessly into his arms. How a single touch is all it takes to smooth over his lover's anxiety and make him smile. Taeil says he's never experienced anything like it, either.Why, then, does Taeil think that they need to break up?Why is he ignoring that they're better together?
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Jungwoo (mentioned), Moon Taeil/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 8
Kudos: 56
Collections: Kpop Writers - Secret Santa 2020





	Are You Feeling Fate?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [K1mHeechu1](https://archiveofourown.org/users/K1mHeechu1/gifts).



> For our K-Pop Writer's Discord 2020 Secret Santa event! Thanks to Nar for the amazing prompt, the opportunity to drop fuckshit all over one of my favorite ships, and all the love you provide to us on the server 🥺

_December 23rd, 2020_

Christmastime in Chicago felt so nostalgic. Even if everything else in Johnny’s life had gone to absolute shit, there was something healing about revisiting the cul-de-sac where he grew up and seeing the cozy little neighborhood that his parents and brother still called home. It had been six years since he’d gone to Korea for college, but things had largely stayed the same back in his old neighborhood. The playground where he and his friends had played cops and robbers looked exactly the same. The sushi shop where he’d washed dishes in high school hadn’t changed inside, right down to the owner’s son, Yuta, giving him the employee discount and a free order of mochi ice cream with his meal. The _big_ difference was that his best friend Jaehyun no longer lived in the house next door with his parents, but downtown, in a brand new apartment with his girlfriend.

“The rent here isn’t bad,” Jaehyun reported as he brought the tray of coffee cups over to the cramped kitchen table, setting it down carefully. “It can be a little busy outside, but the view is nice. Jungwoo and I like to go for walks along the river during the summer.”

Even with his own woes looming on the edges of his thoughts, Johnny was glad for the little bit of domestic bliss that Jaehyun had found. Jungwoo was his perfect opposite: the theater major to his pre-med, blue-haired and acrylic-nailed to complement the white-collar-dad energy that Jaehyun had already cultivated at twenty-three. They were two broke students, but they seemed gloriously happy in spite of their lack of counter space and the impending weight of student loan debt. _“Not bad,_ such high compliments,” Jungwoo teased quietly, though the look she gave her boyfriend was pure adoration. “It’ll do, at least until we start having kids. We decided to hold off on that til Jaehyunnie’s a doctor, though.”

 _I would love this,_ Johnny thought wistfully, his stomach aching as he tried and only half-succeeded at being happy for them. _Waking up next to Taeil every morning. Taking walks along the Han River in the evening. Talking about kids. Me and Taeil with kids— I wonder how that would go. I bet he’d be a good father._

“It’s bigger than my place in Seoul! I’m jealous,” Johnny commented, managing a smile as he took the cup closest to him. “Don’t forget to tell me when you start seeing kids in the cards, I’ll hop on a plane to come back and help you move all your shit.”

“Same! You must be due to move in with your boy soon?” Jaehyun prodded, adding a splash of milk to his own cup. “I’m the worst friend ever. You guys have been together for like a year, and I’ve still only met him over Skype. I promise, I’m going to come visit you two in Korea this summer.”

Johnny tried not to wince. Honestly, it wasn’t Jaehyun’s fault— he was his best friend, and with any other problem Johnny would have texted him immediately, but when it came to Taeil, he took pause. _It’s embarrassing. Jaehyun knows how head-over-heels I am for him, too. Knows that I wanted us to move in together. And now—_

“Actually—” Johnny paused, taking a deep breath to steel himself before he admitted quietly, “Taeil and I… we’re taking a break right now, and… I don’t exactly know how it’s going to be once I get back. We might stay broken up. We haven’t decided yet.”

“Oh, no!” Jungwoo’s look of sympathy just about killed him— Johnny didn’t like to accept sympathy from anyone, much less a girl he barely knew. It made him feel useless, _less than_ useless. “Poor thing! Right around Christmastime, too… why do you think you’ll break up? If you don’t mind my asking, of course...”

Johnny shrugged, a little listlessly, and took a sip of his coffee to stall. Taeil was on his mind 24/7 since he’d gotten home for Christmas, and yet talking about him aloud made him feel stupid and awkward. He liked helping his friends with their problems, but talking about his own wasn’t exactly his strong suit. Clumsily, he began to explain: “My boyfriend, Taeil, works for his family’s cafe. His dad opened the place, and I’m pretty sure Taeil’s worked there since he was old enough to wash a table, so he’s starting to plan for Taeil taking over the place when retires. But the problem is—” Johnny got choked up, just thinking about it. _Damn._ More coffee, even as it burned his tongue on the way down. “His dad won’t retire until Taeil gets married, apparently. So… shortly before I left, he told me that we should start seeing other people, and that I deserved someone better.”

It was like pressing on a fresh wound and watching the blood well up beneath his fingers. And the worst part was, Johnny had replayed it in his head so many damn times— Taeil sitting opposite him on the living room couch, fiddling with the rings on his right hand, a nervous habit. _“You deserve someone who will be proud to be with you. Not someone who can’t even handle telling his parents that you’re together.”_ And then he’d slipped off the ring on his middle finger, set with a round, luminescent white opal, and took Johnny’s wrist to place it in his palm. From the first time Johnny had seen it in the jewelry display case at work, it had reminded him of Taeil, the way it shone brilliantly with different colors from every angle.

_“I wouldn’t feel right keeping this. Why don’t you hold onto it? Just in case… in case we don’t see each other again after this.”_

_“You don’t even want to stay friends?”_

_“Do you really think we could go back to being friends? I’m not sure I could bear it, Johnny. It might actually destroy me.”_

“Wait, seriously?” Jungwoo spoke up and jostled Johnny from his thoughts. “That actually makes me sad. Poor guy’s setting himself up for misery.” _Setting me up for misery, too,_ Johnny wanted to point out, but Jungwoo reached across the table before he could and gave his hand a comforting squeeze.

“That sounds hard,” Jaehyun agreed quietly, lips turning into a contemplative sort of frown. “It sounds like he was put into kind of a hard situation though, too. Don’t give up on him all at once.”

“I’m not, exactly. I’m just… preparing myself for the worst. He told me he’d think about it while I’m gone and give me his answer when I get back,” Johnny said with a shrug, putting on the bravest smile he could muster. “I’m seriously okay. Sorry for bringing down the mood so much. I barely get to see you, and I’m just sitting here moping.” Inwardly, he was cringing at his own selfishness - _should have lied and said we were just fucking fine_ \- and he quickly changed the subject: “You’re off ‘til after New Year’s, right? We’ll have to get together again after Christmas, maybe invite Ten and Sicheng too. I’ll order us pizza.”

“Yeah, that sounds fun! I barely see Ten anymore, grad school is kicking his ass,” Jaehyun answered cheerfully, scooting his chair discreetly closer to Johnny so he could give him a one-armed hug. “And don’t ever apologize. That’s what I’m here for.”

Jungwoo grinned, breaking the sappy moment to declare, “If you need a cute boy to cuddle, I’ll let you borrow Jaehyun. The two of you look _so_ good together.”

“You just want to watch us get touchy-feely,” Jaehyun accused his girlfriend smugly, pressing his face against Johnny’s shoulder for a moment. “Though honestly… _if_ I liked guys, pretty sure I’d like guys who are taller than me.”

This was enough to make even Johnny laugh, but it was hard to muster up the energy to make it good and convincing. He felt fatigued so often lately, _everything_ took so much effort— and every distraction he found was in vain, because eventually, _eventually,_ Taeil would pop back into his mind, like that was where he belonged.

//

_December 2019_

Johnny didn’t believe in soulmates, but from the first moment that he met Taeil, he knew that he wanted him. Many months later, when told this fact, Taeil would shyly admit that he had felt the same way. That made the moment that brought them together feel even more like an act of fate.

For most of Johnny’s undergrad experience in Korea, he’d stayed with his grandparents, helping with chores in exchange for free board, but starting his first semester of grad school, he’d decided to rent a studio apartment and get a part-time job to make ends meet. Not an easy task when you were 185 centimeters tall, with long dyed hair and what any American would have described as “stoner vibes”, so when his grandfather’s friend agreed to take him on as a cashier at his thrift store, Johnny was grateful for it. It was a quiet job, for the most part: he spent a lot of time re-folding clothes, listening to his boss reminisce about the “good old days”, and discreetly doing the readings for his classes behind the counter when there was truly nothing else to do.

Things changed on the day of Johnny’s very first opening shift: 9 AM on a Monday morning, his boss gave him a handful of cash and sent him across the street to the Moon Cafe for two cups of coffee. And there, standing behind the counter, was a man so effortlessly beautiful, so very much Johnny’s _type,_ that he had to stop and blink and assure himself that his vision wasn’t just fucked from lack of sleep.

But no, he really _was_ Johnny’s type: adorably short and petite with a mess of chestnut brown hair, a pair of round glasses on his face and an oversized black sweater with rolled-up sleeves beneath his neatly tied apron. He had all the charm of a kitten, and when he smiled his flawless smile in his direction, Johnny’s instinctive desire was to wrap him up in his embrace and give him the forehead smooch that he was _just_ the right height for.

He finished up with the patron he was serving, giving them their change and scrawling their name on the side of their cup before handing it over to the other barista to make— while they stepped aside to wait, the man’s eyes fell on Johnny, and his smile was heart-melting. He wasn’t used to getting tongue-tied in front of cute boys, but he _was_ used to saying stupid shit on a regular basis simply because Korean was his second language, so he really wanted to focus. _At least for the first impression._

“Uh—” That was right, he was supposed to string words together into a _coffee order_ now. He stepped up to the counter, ignoring the menu board completely in favor for the nametag on the barista’s apron. _Taeil. Cute._ “Good morning. I’d like two large black coffees, please.”

“Coming right up!” Taeil grabbed the cups, glancing for half a second over his shoulder at his distracted coworker— and then, with an adorable lip bite that didn’t escape Johnny’s notice, he turned back and asked, “Your name? For— for the order?”

“Johnny,” he answered, though the pause that Taeil took made him second-guess himself.

“Johnny?” He repeated back to confirm, hesitating before his marker touched the cup.

“Johnny. Or— Youngho if it’s easier,” he amended, blushing a bit despite himself.

“Okay. Coming right up!” Taeil scrawled the name easily on the paper cup, turning to grab the pot of coffee, so fresh that it was still steaming on its burner. He poured the cups carefully and snapped lids onto them while Johnny counted out his money, and he turned back to place them directly in front of Johnny a moment later.

“Are you a big coffee drinker?” Johnny thought to ask as he waited for Taeil to cash him out. “I just started at the thrift shop next door, and I’m a caffeine addict, but your menu is a lot bigger than I’m used to… so I thought I’d ask for your recommendation next time, if that’s cool.”

“Yeah, I’ve tried everything on the menu and then some! Next time you’re feeling adventurous, just let me know!” Taeil chuckled, reaching out to put Johnny’s change in his palm. Even his _hands_ were cute; Johnny wished that he could have wrapped his fingers around it, to see how much smaller his own made it look. “In that case, welcome to the neighborhood. I hope we’ll be seeing more of you here.”

“You too,” Johnny replied evenly, giving himself an internal pat on the back for getting through the entire interaction without making a fool of himself, but also forgetting that he was supposed to actually pick up the coffee and leave. There were just a couple empty seconds of silence, their gazes locked, both of them poised to speak again but unsure what to say.

“Is there something else…?”

“Oh— no. Sorry.” Johnny laughed awkwardly, finally jolted back into motion. He was in a fog as he returned to work, uncharacteristically smiley as he straightened up the clothing racks and prepared for the store to open. The word _Johnny_ in Taeil’s cramped, irregular handwriting drew his eye every time he picked up his cup, and it occurred to him after perhaps the fifth time that Taeil hadn’t _needed_ to know his name if he was giving him the cup himself. The realization made him grin like a fool, he couldn’t help it.

That was the first visit of many: Johnny was usually the type to make his own coffee at home, but after that morning, he found himself forgetting his travel mug at home more and more. (Though it was expensive— _god,_ was it expensive. But it was worth it.) Taeil always greeted him by name - something about his accent in particular gave Johnny butterflies whenever he said it - and whenever Johnny wasn’t sure what to order, Taeil would offer a creative off-menu recommendation. Surely he never would have thought to order a chai latte with espresso and whipped cream, or a cold brew with plenty of cream and a generous dollop of the blueberry syrup they used for their desserts, but Taeil’s suggestions were always delicious.

The morning after Christmas, the shop was particularly busy. Taeil had to split his attention between tending the register and helping the other morning barista (Donghyuck, Johnny had learned), and they didn’t have time for their usual small talk and cowardly flirting. It had been a few weeks, and he was _pretty_ sure that Taeil was giving him all the right signals, but the shorter man was just so _shy,_ and his shyness made Johnny feel uncharacteristically shy, too. If only he could have him to himself for five minutes, he thought with a resigned sigh, no customers, no coworkers… _Okay, the next time I come in here and I’m the only one in line, I’ll man up and ask him._ It was a frequent enough occurrence, maybe once a week— and Johnny knew that once he made that challenge to himself, he’d follow through.

As it turned out, though, he didn’t _need_ to follow it through. While he’d been giving Donghyuck his order, pining sadly after Taeil’s turned back as he steamed milk for a latte, he’d happened to pull his snow-flecked hat off of his head to run his fingers through his hair, and he’d carelessly left it on the counter when he snuck out through the crowd with his hot coffee. And then he hadn’t thought of it again all morning long— they had a large donation dropped off the night before, and before long he was knee-deep in musty old clothes, trying to decide what might be worth washing and selling. By the time he remembered that he _had_ been wearing a hat earlier that morning, it was past his lunch break, and he could do little more than sigh in embarrassment at himself. He’d have to stop by and get it later, which meant admitting that he was an idiot in front of Taeil and whoever was there with him.

The afternoon, at least, was quiet, and Johnny was able to begin the closing proceedings a little early since nobody was browsing the aisles. He swept the front of the store, and he was returning his broom to its home in the back closet when he heard the bell at the front door chime. “Welcome,” he called as he hurried back to the front, but he stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Taeil standing at the counter, perusing the jewelry in the glass case. He looked up at the sound of Johnny’s voice, a smile coming to his lips.

“Hi, Johnny! Sorry to bother you— but is this your hat? Donghyuck said he thought you might have dropped it.”

“I should be the one apologizing, not you! I’m sorry to make you bring this here when I’m sure that you’re eager to go home and relax,” Johnny took his place back behind the counter, accepting the hat with a grateful bow of his head while trying to discreetly peek at Taeil through his eyelashes. It was snowing outside, the flakes settled onto his shoulders and melting into his hair, and the cold had tinted his cheeks red. _So freaking cute. It’s not fair._

“It’s a welcome detour. I keep meaning to come in here, but I haven’t made time yet. So I should be thanking you for giving me an excuse!” Taeil laughed, his nerves palpable behind it, and the thought that Taeil was _nervous_ sent a little chill down Johnny’s spine. That was either very good, or very bad. “I, uh— I was looking at this display here—” He tapped lightly on the glass counter, indicating the end of the jewelry display full of earrings and pendants made of polymer clay in whimsical little shapes, cats and spaceships and slices of kimbap. “These are made by a local artist? They’re really cute.”

“Yeah! My boss is really into the local art scene,” Johnny supplied lamely. “She makes mugs, too! I can give you her business card, if you’re interested, maybe you can have them for sale in the cafe?”

“Oh, uh—” Before Taeil could answer, Johnny had already pulled one of the cards from behind the display, because he was on a mission. No more chickening out— fate had handed him this excellent opportunity, and he wasn’t going to let it slip away. He set the card face-down on the counter and fumbled for a pen, jotting down his own number on the back before he could change his mind.

“I also wanted to give you my cell number. Just in case… y’know, in case you ever wanted to text me or something.”

“Oh.” Taeil’s cold cheeks went even redder, and Johnny felt a stab of anxiety until the shorter man took the card, fumbling to pick it up off of the flat countertop but then stuffing it in his pocket as though he were scared he might lose it. “That’s funny, I’ve been wanting to talk to you more, too… is it really okay, though?”

Johnny raised an eyebrow. Taeil, somehow, was always one-upping him in awkwardness. As it was, despite feeling like he was about to explode into a cloud of confetti, Johnny remained so suave and composed that he was actually impressed with himself. “If it wasn’t okay, I wouldn’t have given you my number.”

“I mean… right… sorry…” Taeil was practically _giddy,_ an observation that gave Johnny butterflies in his stomach, because _that makes two of us, dude._ “I’ve just… never gotten a boy’s number before, that’s all.”

“That means I’m your only boy, then? Cool. I like that.” Johnny grinned, Taeil looked like he might combust, and they probably would have had another of those _staring_ moments if not for Johnny adding, “I need to lock the store up and count down the register, but… you should definitely text me. I’m between semesters right now. I have nothing but time!”

“Definitely! And— ah, I’m sorry for holding you up. I’m so scatterbrained these days…” Taeil smiled that heartwarming smile as he said goodbye, and left with a new spring in his step that Johnny thought suited him quite well. He was the type to walk with his head down and his eyes lowered, which was practically a crime in Johnny’s perception. He was like a flower, and he deserved the sun on his face.

Just as Johnny was locking up the register, his phone began to vibrate:

 _(unsaved number)_ _  
_ _➭ This is Taeil_ 😊 _Thanks again… I don’t know if I would have gotten the nerve to ask for yours…_ _  
_ _➭ He gave me his number HE GAVE ME HIS NUMBER help my hands are fucking shaking_ _  
_ _➭ IGNORE THAT LAST TEXT, IT WASN’T FOR YOU, I’M SO SORRY I’M NERVOUS_

The mistake made Johnny laugh aloud, but he couldn’t laugh too much at Taeil’s expense when his _own_ hands were practically shaking with the excitement of it. Admittedly, he hadn’t had a boyfriend since his undergrad days, nearly a year before. He was due, he was _overdue,_ for that sort of connection, and he’d felt the first snares of it in his heart from moment their eyes first met.

This was going to be good. He was _certain._

 _➭ We really need to get you out of this habit of needlessly apologizing - I love hearing from you, even by mistake_ 🤩 _Put your hands back in your pockets before you get frostbite!_

//

_January 2nd, 2020_

Their first date had been on a time crunch, which was a new challenge for Johnny. Taeil, in a grand display of his managerial powers, had forced Donghyuck to switch lunch breaks with him so that his would line up with Johnny’s, so from exactly 1 to 2 PM, not a minute later, their time belonged to each other. It was romantic, Johnny tried to tell himself— Cinderella-esque, though he was surprised that Taeil refused his offer to buy him lunch there in the cafe to save time.

“I’m sorry. I know it probably would have been more convenient to stay where we were,” Taeil murmured, peeking from over top of the menu of the little bistro down the street. “It’s just— Moon Cafe is family owned, so my mom and dad both work in the kitchen. And— I was thinking that without them breathing over my shoulder, this would feel more like a… date?”

They’d been texting almost every night, and Johnny had tried his best to make his flirtation obvious— but Taeil’s naivety was impressive, despite being a year older. He let Johnny’s compliments roll off of him, deflecting with self-deprecating comebacks when he could or just ignoring the flirtation altogether when he couldn’t. Still— he’d been giving Johnny his coffees free of charge every morning, and on that day, the clumsy little heart at the end of his name written on the cup hadn’t gone unnoticed. It was almost as though Taeil liked him but was resisting the idea of being liked in return.

“This is whatever you want it to be, hyung. I’m okay with calling this a date.” Johnny took Taeil’s hand tentatively. It was calloused from years of tamping espresso, with burns turned to scars here and there, but it still seemed so precious and delicate with Johnny’s longer fingers curled around it. “Hey, quit hiding behind your menu! I’m working hard to make you blush, the least you could do is let me see it!”

Taeil’s eyes scrunched up in a smile. “I’m not blushing!” he protested, weakly, but when he lowered the menu to prove it, he most definitely was.

“Oh, yeah, not at all.”

Taeil lowered his eyes, pulling his hand back to fidget with his sleeve. (Damn it— Johnny still had to figure out the perfect amount of teasing for adorable-flustered and not panic-flustered.) “I’m just— not used to this, that’s all. I’m not really out to anyone except a couple close friends.” When he looked up, he looked to Johnny’s hand first, almost as though longing to take it again but unsure how. Johnny wiggled his fingers again; Taeil hesitated and then took the bait. “I’m the only son in my family. That makes me a little nervous about how my parents would take it, especially my dad, so… that’s why I’ve never dated, really…”

“Never?” Johnny clarified, trying not to let his surprise show too much and make Taeil any more self-conscious. Johnny had been blessed with very open-minded, liberal, American-born parents, and he’d come out at the young age of fourteen, which had given them plenty of time to get used to it all. He’d been popular in high school, too, with no shortage of both male and female admirers. Dating in Korea was a little more nerve-wracking, for sure, but Johnny loved boys too much to stay boyfriendless for long. “Have you ever been kissed, then?” he asked boldly, trying not to sound too eager.

Taeil’s flush quickly spread to his ears, and he raised the menu almost at once to hide himself, eyes and all. “Not by anyone that I’ve wanted to kiss back,” he answered softly.

When their food came, they had to eat so hastily that there wasn’t much time for conversation. He’d clear out an evening for the two of them next time, Johnny promised aloud. He wanted to cook for him, buy him wine and make a night of it— and when Taeil protested that Johnny didn’t have to go through that sort of trouble for him, Johnny grinned and joked that he wanted to set the “boyfriend-bar” high from the start. Taeil blushed hard enough that he pulled up the fabric of his turtleneck over his face as he laughed, which told Johnny that he was doing his job.

The walk back to work wasn’t far, which was lucky since it had started to snow again. When they left the bistro, Taeil took Johnny’s hand confidently and led him in the opposite direction from which they’d come, bringing him to a discreet little alleyway that would take them straight to the cafe’s back door. It was less than scenic, lined with graffiti and a few dumpsters, and Johnny nearly teased Taeil for his secrecy— but just as the cafe’s back door came into view, Taeil’s feet stopped, and he snuck a glance at his phone. “It’s 1:59,” he announced softly, biting his bottom lip as he met Johnny’s eyes.

“Yeah, we made pretty impressive time, didn’t we? I don’t want you to get in trouble for being late to clock in!”

Taeil’s lips twitched as though he was holding back a smile, and shyly, he reached for Johnny’s other hand, clutching both tight in his own. “I have one more minute, though…” When Johnny didn’t immediately respond, Taeil leaned a little closer, his eyes wide and expectant. “You should… kiss me before I have to go?”

Johnny’s mouth went dry all at once. “Feeling brave?” he asked as casually as he could manage, hoping Taeil couldn’t feel how fast his pulse was racing in his wrists.

“I just— feel good about you, that’s all,” Taeil answered softly, and the way he looked at Johnny’s lips before meeting his eyes just about made him melt. Without another word, Johnny leaned down, Taeil leaned up, their eyes drifted closed and their lips finally came together. The kiss was shy and chaste, but the heat of Taeil’s lips after so long spent standing in the cold was intoxicating, and Johnny didn’t want the moment to end. When Taeil pulled back a few seconds later, Johnny’s breath had fogged his glasses, which made them both laugh but did nothing to quell the energy that surged between them, bright and intense. If he could have swept Taeil back to the restaurant and spent the entire afternoon kissing him behind a menu, he would have, but before he could suggest it, Taeil had let go of his arm.

“Too cold to stand out here staring at each other’s lips all day. As much as I’d like to…” It was such a _Johnny_ line coming out of Taeil’s mouth, but that made Johnny love it all the more. One more kiss, more to thwart the cold than anything, and they made their separate ways back inside, star-crossed lovers separated by an oath to duty and a surprisingly busy little city street.

Johnny thought about that kiss incessantly for the rest of the afternoon. On his walk to the bus stop, passing the darkened windows of the cafe. While he waited for his instant noodles to cook and his laptop to boot up. It went without saying that he didn’t get very much of his sociology reading done before he pushed his book aside and let himself get guiltily absorbed into his phone instead.

Fate was meddling again, Johnny noticed— Taeil had just texted him, three minutes prior:

 _Taeil_ 🌙 _  
_ _➭ Can’t stop thinking about kissing you. My parents keep asking why I’m in such a good mood tonight_ 😌

 _➭ I hope you know how cute you are~_ _  
_ _➭ Proper date this weekend?_

 _Taeil_ 🌙 _  
_ _➭ I hope I can wait that long, might short-circuit before then…_

 _➭_ 💘💘💘 _  
_ _➭ Try really hard to dream about me then_ 😁

//

_December 23rd, 2020_

Johnny left Jaehyun and Jungwoo’s apartment early— talking about Taeil had dampened his mood, and he knew that they could both sense it by the way they apologized a thousand times apiece, but the thing was, he couldn’t go that long without thinking about him _anyway._ It was 3 PM on the 23rd in Chicago, so it was 6 AM on Christmas eve in Seoul. Taeil was definitely awake, probably drinking coffee and getting ready for work. Did he think about Johnny even half as much as Johnny thought about him?

Every shop window was decorated for Christmas, with holly and lights; every shop window elicited a new fantasy, a different gift that he could buy and present to his beloved. A thick, woolen winter coat (in black, of course, which was just about the only color Taeil wore). An antique silver pocketwatch, exactly the kind of offbeat little trinket that would fascinate Taeil (and then suddenly Johnny would have to accompany his boyfriend to the library for a book on how pocketwatches worked, he could already feel it). A set of four espresso cups, each hand-painted with its own little galaxy of stars on a brilliant navy blue base; it reminded him of the single tattoo that Taeil had, a tiny black star on his inner wrist, which Johnny had developed the habit of kissing.

Maybe he’d buy something, in the event that Taeil decided to take him back when he returned to Korea. But if Taeil _didn’t_ take him back, he’d be stuck with a useless reminder of his own idealism, and that would probably fuck him up worse.

Quietly, he pulled out his phone and opened his messages with Taeil. They were from before the break-up; Johnny hadn’t wanted to send him any messages afterwards, hadn’t wanted to push this sweet little moment up the screen with their discontent:

_➭ I just submitted my last assignment of the semester! Come over after work, I’ll cook for you!_

_Taeil_ 🌙 _  
_ _➭ Yayyy I’m so proud of you! What kind of celebration would you prefer, coffee or wine?_

 _➭ I want Drunk Taeil, he’s fun_ 🍾

 _Taeil_ 🌙 _  
_ _➭ Drunk Taeil always seems to want you, too~_ 😏 _I’ll see what I can do! 6 PM okay?_

 _➭ Sounds perfect!_ 💖 _I love youuu_

 _Taeil_ 🌙 _  
_ _➭ Love you too! Gotta go back to work but I’ll see you in a few hours!_

The “call” button still sat there as an invitation. He had no doubt that no matter how awkwardly things sat, Taeil would still answer the phone if he called, but what would he even say? _I can barely stomach the thought of coming back to Korea if I can’t be with you?_ Taeil would have told him he was being self-interested, and maybe he was, but he _also_ couldn’t shake the feeling that Taeil seemed happier with him than he had been alone. He walked taller, smiled more, dared to laugh without hiding behind his hand.

 _Tell me that I’m worth being brave for._ That was all Johnny wanted to hear, really. Sighing, he closed the message thread and slipped his phone back into his pocket. He’d tell him later, maybe. Had to gather up his guts, just like when he’d asked him out.

After a few more moments of standing there, though, staring aimlessly— he decided to spring for the espresso set, anyway, because to get him nothing at all would have felt like giving up. Maybe he was idealistic, maybe that made him a fool, but seeing Jaehyun and Jungwoo’s little apartment had made him start imagining one for him and Taeil, and as the shopkeeper wrapped and ribboned the box neatly for him, he could already see the cups lining their future coffee bar.

Johnny’s walk home was steeped in delusion— his legs moved automatically, making each turn by muscle memory, while his brain floated off into fantasy. There would be a balcony where they would drink coffee and watch the sunrise, a reading nook in the master bedroom where Taeil could relax in the evenings and Johnny could curl up beside him and rub the tension out of his shoulders; maybe they’d even get the kitten that Taeil had talked about wanting, but had always been denied due to his parents’ allergies. Johnny had even narrowed down a list of names by the time his house came into view, and he had to force himself not to envision it anymore when he felt tears stinging the backs of his eyes.

//

_June 2020_

By the summer, Johnny’s infatuation with Taeil had blossomed into something just shy of obsession. Taeil was the first thing he thought about when he drifted awake in the morning, and texting him was almost always his final act of the night, laying in bed and watching the “typing” bubble on his phone in the hopes of one more message before his eyes closed. They saw each other almost every day, at least briefly, and it never felt like enough. None of Johnny’s undergrad relationships had been so completely fulfilling, never before had he felt like he could spend every waking second with the same person and never get tired of them.

This was love. Johnny had never felt this way before, but he knew it through instinct alone, and thinking about it made his heart race.

Johnny had been considering going home for a bit at the end of the spring semester, but spontaneously, he opted to stay with Taeil instead and make the most of his time off. Most of their meetings were at Johnny’s place— Johnny had only visited Taeil’s home a few times briefly, and since he lived with his parents, they had to be careful not to get too close while they were there. It had sounded easy, until Johnny had made the attempt to have tea with Taeil and his mother one afternoon— sitting across from Taeil and not being allowed to hold his hand or even look at him too fondly was damn near torture. It was simply easier to have Taeil visit him, where they could kiss as much as they liked.

Taeil had even gone to Johnny’s place for his birthday— he’d told his parents that he was celebrating with some friends at the bar, but in reality, it was just the two of them in Johnny’s tiny kitchen, enjoying a pseudo-fancy dinner that Johnny had been preparing since the day before, marinated steaks and assorted homemade _banchan._ For dessert, there was tiramisu with whipped cream, and if that didn’t perfectly set the mood, Johnny didn’t know what would.

Finally, Johnny was ready to give Taeil his actual present: in fact, he cut Taeil off from going over to start the dishes, telling him that he wanted to tell him something first. The initial look on Taeil’s face was one of nerves, which Johnny had expected, but that disappeared when Johnny reached into his pocket and pulled out the ring. It didn’t have a box, but it shocked Taeil speechless anyway, and his little hand was shaking as Johnny took it to slip the ring onto his fourth finger. A little loose— his middle finger, then, where it slipped snugly into place, looking perfect.

“I know what you’re thinking. Don’t worry, I know we’ve only been together for six months, I _promise_ this isn’t an engagement ring,” Johnny assured him quickly when Taeil looked at him with wide, wet, bewildered eyes. “It just— it came in at work and it made me think of you, that’s all. It’s an opal. Brilliant, isn’t it? The color is different depending on the light.”

“It’s—” Taeil’s voice went choked, he had to stop and clear his throat and start again. “It’s too much, Johnny… It’s beautiful, but you’ve already made this birthday so amazing—”

Johnny smiled softly. “It’s your birthday. I wanted to pull out all the stops, because you deserve it. At least for tonight, I want you to experience how happy you make me feel every single day. I feel like such a lucky person, having you in my life— sorry, I know I’m getting sappy, but I mean it.”

The realization that came over Taeil’s face was _too cute,_ disbelief barely concealing pleasure; he looked like he wanted to argue against deserving it, but he apparently saw the futility, and he was trembling softly as he pulled Johnny down by the shoulders to kiss him. Taeil’s kisses were always so pure and sweet that the force behind this one took him off-guard, and when they finally broke apart to catch their breath—

“I love you. It’s not too early to say that, is it? Because— I really think I love you.”

There were no words to describe the joy that flooded him, the sense of completion. Johnny had made sure to stress that the ring had nothing to do with getting married, but suddenly, at least for a second, he could see their entire future together. An apartment, and then a house, Christmases in Chicago (where Johnny’s parents would undoubtedly love Taeil), Chuseoks in Seoul spent charming Taeil’s parents into loving _him_ in return (they might have been conservative, but Johnny liked to think that he was pretty damn lovable). Sharing a bed, waking up together every morning, taking care of each other when they were sick, _growing old_ together. Maybe idealistic to think about at the six-month mark, but it sure sounded nice.

“I was wondering the exact same thing,” Johnny breathed into the bewildered silence, smiling as he cupped Taeil’s cheeks in his palms and kissed him again. “It might be early, but I don’t care. I love you, too. I feel like we’re a good fit for each other, and I— I feel like this is a relationship that could last for a really long time.”

The night of Taeil’s birthday was a lot of firsts. Their first _I love you’s,_ their first night spent in the same bed, the first night that their kissing would progress to something more. Johnny knew that Taeil was a virgin, and he was prepared to wait as long as necessary to make him comfortable— but then Taeil had deepened what was supposed to be a simple goodnight and nudged aside the body pillow that Johnny had carefully arranged between them for his comfort. He coaxed Johnny’s lips apart with his tongue while his fingertips traced the faint lines of the muscles down Johnny’s bare torso, and by the time he reached the waistband of his boyfriend’s shorts, Johnny was half-hard and losing self-control.

“You can touch me, you know,” Taeil had finally whispered against his lips, seeming amused by Johnny’s hands remaining staunchly at his waist.

“Are you sure? We don’t need to do this if you’re not ready, Taeil…”

“I know. But I _am_ ready.” Even in the dark, Johnny could tell that Taeil was blushing, but he could feel the smile in his heated kiss, and he could hear the need in his voice as the older confessed, “I’m not used to feeling good about myself, but you make me feel so… _pretty.”_

“You _are_ so pretty,” Johnny corrected with a breathless little chuckle, kissing his neck and letting his fingertips slide down onto Taeil’s thigh in a way that he hoped wasn’t too creepily eager. “Should I show you?”

“God, _please…”_

Honestly, it was the first time that Johnny could remember sex without desperation, without a mad dash for the pleasure that would come at the end. Their first time was touching for the sake of touching, kissing every inch of Taeil’s body with no greater goal than to hear him gasp and moan and shyly plead for more— not racing for anything, but wanting their brand-new intimacy to go on and on.

By the time they were both satisfied, Taeil was wiped out, and fell asleep in minutes. Johnny was tired, too, but he was determined to fight against it for just a little while, long enough to commit the feeling of Taeil’s head on his chest to his memory. “I love you,” he breathed into the darkness— and Taeil, though mostly asleep, had mumbled the sentiment back against his collarbone, making Johnny feel like the luckiest man in the world with just three words.

//

_December 25th, 2020_

Christmas morning had always held a special magic for Johnny, up until this year. He could remember his little brother Mark waking him up _ungodly_ early every year and dragging him downstairs to divvy up their gifts, then watching Christmas movies until their parents woke up and downed enough coffee to let them start opening presents. His mother would make fresh cinnamon rolls and hot cocoa, and they’d all stay in their pajamas all day— those childhood memories some of his favorites, and they’d had a big hand in cementing the four of them together in Johnny’s mind as one family when he was younger.

This time around, the closer Christmas crept, the more crushing the silence of Johnny’s phone became, and the less excited he became for the holiday proper. A month ago, they’d been looking forward to Christmas together as a couple, fantasizing about sightseeing in Chicago, with Johnny gushing about how cozy and wonderful it would be to finally have Taeil there as part of the family.

Taeil, in hindsight, had been unusually quiet, and had expressed doubt that he’d be able to get enough time off work. Had Johnny missed the signs, even then, that his boyfriend was becoming uncertain? Maybe he’d been as clueless as they always joked about straight men being.

That year, Mark hadn’t woken Johnny up, or maybe he’d tried and failed. When Johnny’s eyes opened, his bedside clock read “10:34”, and the smell of coffee and breakfast had already drifted into his room. And even so, he reached for his phone first, because a full day had passed in Korea, Taeil had been awake for hours and maybe he’d thought to—

No. Nothing, not a text. Johnny wished he hadn’t looked, now he’d have to struggle to hide how hollow and zombified he felt from the three people who probably knew him the best of all.

Luckily, nobody mentioned his late start, though Mark spoke up pointedly that they’d “been waiting” for him. (Probably because Mark knew that he could expect a new laptop under the tree, and was itching to tear it open. Johnny tried not to take it personally.) Johnny’s parents had given him some new clothes, a warm pair of winter boots, some film for his camera— and in the end, when there was one single red-wrapped gift remaining, his mother remarked cheerfully, “We bought a gift for Taeil. Don’t forget to take it back for him, okay? And tell him that we hope to see him next year!”

For the first time since opening it, Mark glanced up from his laptop, meeting Johnny’s eyes from where he’d sprawled by the fireplace. “Didn’t you say he works for his parents? They sound like assholes if they wouldn’t even give him a week off to meet your family.”

“Mark,” their step-father’s voice came as a gentle scolding, but it was too late, Johnny’s heart had already started to race with his anxiety.

“Just saying, it’s weird. I’ve barely even seen pictures of the guy,” Mark insisted, trying to lift the mood a moment later as he added, “Maybe he made Taeil up and he’s been single this whole time.”

His mother chuckled faintly, passing behind Johnny’s chair to get some more coffee from the kitchen and running her fingers affectionately over the top of his head on the way by. “Your brother wouldn’t do that, Mark. But you know— later tonight, when it’s daytime in Korea, you should see if he wants to Facetime. If I can’t meet my new son face-to-face, isn’t it time that we met him _somehow?”_

Johnny couldn’t help the defensive edge that came to his voice as he answered: “I told you, he’s shy! What am I supposed to do, force him to video-call you guys at gunpoint?” And then, unable to resist the dig that came to mind, he stretched out his leg to kick Mark’s body splayed out on the floor, adding, “Plus, it would be pointless for _you,_ since you barely speak Korean.”

“‘Cuz I don’t _live in Korea,_ dickwad. Why would I? Don’t take it out on me if you’re feeling sensitive about your fake boyfriend!” Mark shoved Johnny’s foot away playfully— and when he was kicked harder in response, he whined, _“Dad,_ are you going to just let him treat me this way on _Christmas?”_

“You reap what you sow,” the man answered with a barely concealed smile, eyes never leaving his newspaper crossword puzzle.

Normally, Johnny could take Mark’s teasing (and dish it out twice as hard) but for some reason, this little exchange didn’t sit well in his mind— and a few moments later, he stood up casually and slipped upstairs, closing the door to his room quietly in the hopes that they wouldn’t notice his absence for as long as possible. He plopped down into his desk chair, unlocking his phone for already the hundredth time that morning— it was the middle of the night in Korea, so he didn’t know what he was thinking, but no, Taeil hadn’t texted him. Was it showing weakness to text first?

Johnny decided that he didn’t care. After all, he was asking Taeil to be brave for him, so he’d be brave, too. Taeil was worth that much, and so much more.

_➭ Merry Christmas! I really miss you this morning. I hope you’re doing okay._

And that was all. If he said anything else, he might have been tempted to say too much. Taeil loved him, Johnny didn’t exactly doubt that, but he still felt like the depth of his _own_ love could possibly scare Taeil away, if he could see how much Johnny depended on him in the tiniest ways. Johnny couldn’t help it, it just felt like they were _meant for_ each other, and without him, everything felt hollow.

//

_December 10th, 2020_

A break-up had never bothered Johnny like this before, but then again, he hadn’t been _in love_ with any of his college boyfriends. The day after the break-up, Johnny showed up to work feeling hollow and stunned, stomach queasy, mind feeble from lack of sleep. Most pathetic was when he caught himself watching through the front windows, hoping for a glimpse of Taeil outside the cafe, taking trash to the dumpster or shoveling snow from the sidewalk.

Every time he saw him, and even sometimes when he _didn’t,_ the dialogue weaseled its way back into his head.

_“What do you mean, thinking about breaking up?”_

_“It’s not anything you’ve done, so please don’t beat yourself up over it. It’s because of my parents. My— my dad’s health is getting worse, and he wants to retire, and he wants to see me get married and start a family. I’m trying to decide what would be the easiest thing for them. I don’t know if they could take me being gay. I don’t know if I could do that to them.”_

_“So— so that’s it, then? Because you don’t want to come out to your parents, this is worth just— just throwing away?”_

_Taeil hadn’t responded, he’d only hugged himself tight, as if trying to protect himself from the hurt. The sight absolutely broke Johnny’s heart, but when he’d tried to take Taeil into his arms, the smaller man pulled gently away._

_“I need to consider everything properly. And that’s why I can’t go to Chicago with you after all. I’m going to stay here and try to think things through, and I’ll tell you what I’ve decided when you get back. But I think it’s best that we take a break until then. It will only be painful to see you, and I don’t want our memories to be painful.”_

Taeil had kept a straight face, until he’d placed that beautiful opal ring back in Johnny’s palm and dropped the bomb that if they split, he didn’t want to see Johnny again, not even as friends. Saying _those_ words aloud had broken him to tears at last, but he wouldn’t let Johnny hug him or kiss him— he kept a platonic distance, and when it was time to go, he said goodbye with a bow, _formally._

_“Thank you for everything, Johnny. I owe so much to you.”_

That was what haunted Johnny more than anything else. Taeil didn’t owe anything to him— it was what he owed _himself,_ couldn’t he see that? Thinking about Taeil extinguishing his own unique light for the happiness of someone else made him feel sick to his stomach, and just as Taeil stepped outside to clear the ice from the steps, the moment he’d been waiting for— Johnny couldn’t bring himself to look, he had to turn away.

Taeil was right. It was painful.

//

_December 25th, 2020_

Johnny had stayed in his room for a good portion of the afternoon, just feeling _off,_ and when he finished helping his parents clean up the dinner dishes, he pretended he was exhausted and excused himself to go to sleep. His parents exchanged a look - Johnny was a night owl, and it wasn’t at all like him to be in bed by eight o’clock - but it was actually Mark who was knocking at his bedroom door an hour later. Considering all the shit Johnny gave his little brother for being a dumbass twenty-one year old, Mark was a very empathetic person, very perceptive when it came to feelings. Mark plopped himself down in Johnny’s desk chair, asking a couple prodding questions, and before Johnny could stop himself, the entire story came pouring out. 

“If you miss him and you’re this miserable, you should call him and let him know that. I mean, it’s Christmas. Christmas is a couple’s holiday in Korea, right?”

Johnny sighed, sprawled out on his bed with his eyes closed. Funny, how a day that had been so uneventful could leave him so utterly exhausted. “I don’t know if that would just make things worse. He told me he didn’t want to see me, I figured phone calls were included.” He cracked his eyes open, looking at Mark upside-down— he’d taken Johnny’s phone hostage, claiming that he needed to stalk Taeil’s Instagram “because how am I supposed to help you when I feel like I don’t even _know_ this guy?”

“Trust me, dude. If I was on a break with someone, I’d still want to know that they were thinking about me on Christmas. If anything, I think it would make me feel better about the relationship.” Mark was quiet for a second, and then he snorted— “Why is his Instagram like 90% pictures of latte art and shelter cats?”

“He doesn’t like to take pictures of himself. He thinks they turn out ugly.” Johnny rolled onto his stomach and stretched to see the phone screen, scrolling almost by muscle memory to his favorite picture of Taeil, one of the rare pictures of them together. It was from the end of the summer, when they’d gone to the beach together— Taeil looked so radiant, bronze and freckled, giving an unusually genuine smile with Johnny’s arm around his waist. It wasn’t overtly romantic, the way Johnny rested his head against Taeil’s, but he’d had to beg his boyfriend to upload it, anyway. He just wanted people to see them together, he just wanted to feel like Taeil was as proud of them as he was.

“What the fuck. I’m not even gay, but he’s _cute.”_

_“I know.”_

“Hm. Well, that’s my two cents, anyway. Tell him that you still feel the same way about him that you always have. Make him feel all warm and fuzzy. He’s probably lonely without you there, too, you know?”

Fucking Mark. _Fucking Mark._ Now the idea was in his head, and it was nearly 11 PM and Johnny was wide awake, _thinking about it._ What would he say to Taeil, if he could? The question made his mouth dry up. Would Taeil even pick up the phone if he called? What if Johnny went through to voicemail? Did he have the _balls_ to leave Taeil a voicemail? The thought sounded so _desperate,_ so—

Suddenly, his phone burst to life in his hands; the photo of the two of them on the beach disappeared, replaced with: _Incoming Call: Taeil”._ And if that wasn’t fate— _we were thinking about each other at the exact same time._ His hands were suddenly frozen, and it took all his concentration not to fumble as he dragged the “answer” icon across the screen. He still didn’t know what he was going to say, but he’d be damned if he gave up his opportunity to say _whatever_ it was.

“Hello?”

 _“Hi, Johnny. Merry Christmas,”_ Taeil’s voice rang through the speaker, and it was _exactly_ what Johnny needed to hear in that moment, it was _rejuvenating. “Sorry, I know I wasn’t going to call you while you were gone, but—”_

“No. Don’t apologize. I was just debating on whether or not to call you. I like… poured my heart out to my little brother about it. Shit was embarrassing.”

 _“Oh—”_ Johnny knew the emotion that he was hearing in Taeil’s voice, the one where he wasn’t sure whether to laugh or not at something stupid his boyfriend had said. He could even picture the face that went along with it. _“I don’t think it’s embarrassing, for the record. I wish I was that close with someone. Someone besides you, I mean.”_

The sentiment made Johnny’s throat choke up. Taeil had friends from his high school days, of course, but— to think that he considered Johnny closer, even now, made his stomach ache with butterflies. “Hyung— you’re making me really miss you,” he whispered, his eyes stinging.

 _“Johnny—”_ Taeil’s sigh was followed by a long moment of silence, and for one heart-dropping moment, Johnny could hear the words, _we’re over,_ floating in the static between them. Maybe Taeil had made up his mind so certainly that he’d called to get it over with before Johnny returned. Maybe he’d met a girl, maybe his parents had found him someone— maybe this would be the last time he’d hear this voice in his ear.

_“Johnny, I can’t even tell you how fucking miserable I am without you. I don’t think I can go through with this. If— if it’s not too late for us— but I understand if you’re too mad at me to get back together, I probably would be, too—”_

Johnny exhaled sharply, his lungs aching from the breath he’d been holding. No other part of Christmas mattered, in his book; this was all he’d needed. “Are you kidding? This is all I’ve been hoping for, hyung. This is all I’ve been thinking about since I got here! I went to visit my best friend’s apartment, and I kept catching myself thinking about moving in with you—” His voice cracked, suddenly, and he had to cover his mouth to keep his crying from reaching the phone.

 _“Really? Moving in together?”_ Taeil repeated, sounding taken aback and _vaguely_ amused. _“Doesn’t it feel too soon for that?!”_

“It’ll be a year on January 2nd. A year is a long time, isn’t it?”

 _“Has it really been a year…?”_ Taeil sounded genuinely surprised as he pondered Johnny’s claim, conceding after a moment, _“I guess you’re right. Sorry, I’m terrible with keeping dates straight…”_ Another quiet moment, but Johnny didn’t mind; he could practically hear Taeil gathering and assembling his words in that thoughtful way of his, but like always, it was worth the wait: _“It’s a long time for us, but if you think about it, it’s not actually that long at all. My parents have been together for forty years. Do you think… do you think you can see us together for that long?”_

“Yeah, I do. As long as neither of us changes too drastically, then I think we’ll always be good at talking through our problems calmly.”

_“Yeah. Except for this time, I guess. I’m really sorry that I put you through all this.”_

“Well— this time is different,” Johnny argued softly, hugging his pillow to his chest, closing his eyes and picturing Taeil in his arms instead. “I understand why you were scared. I’m not going to judge you if you want to hold off a little while longer on getting our families involved. Whatever you decide, I have your back, okay?”

 _“Well. The thing is…”_ Taeil trailed off for a moment, but went on bravely, rushing as if to get the words out before his guts failed him: _“I want to come out to my parents, but even thinking about it makes me feel so fucking overwhelmed. I’m twenty-six. I’ve known that I’m gay for almost half my life. I feel like it’s killing me to keep it a secret, but— but if it goes wrong, I’m really going to need you. As in, I’ll need a place to stay, and possibly some financial help until I can find another job.”_

 _That’s right. He really does have everything to lose._ The thought was daunting, but Johnny answered without a thought: “Anything you need, Taeil-hyung. If anything goes wrong, I promise you, I’ll do whatever it takes to make things okay again.”

 _“Okay,”_ Taeil answered cautiously, but his tone was already a little lighter, like reconciling had lightened his burden a bit. _“Then I need one more thing from you… I need you to help me put it into words.”_ He said it like it was a small thing, but the moment Johnny heard it, it felt like a monumental task, and based on the little sigh that followed, Taeil realized that, too. _“There’s so much I want to tell them about you, about how much better my life is with you in it, but I don’t know how much they’ll give me time to say. And I just suck at words.”_

“You don’t suck at words. You’re one of the most well-spoken people I know, honestly, when you have the time to put your words together the right way.” Yeah, it was a big job; but having had a taste of break-up, he would have walked across a bed of broken glass for Taeil’s love, or jumped through flaming hoops, or yes, even coached him on how to come out to his family. “I said I’d do anything, and I meant it. Want to rehearse with me?”

 _“Yeah, that would be good. For now, though, I just want to hear your voice. Tell me how Chicago has been,”_ Taeil insisted warmly.

“Chicago has been amazing. My parents were disappointed that you didn’t come, though. They bought you a present.”

 _“Oh… really?”_ Taeil let out a little hum of incredulous laughter, and then responded softly: _“Next year, then.”_

Next year. Yes, that sounded perfect, _better_ than perfect, and maybe it was stupid, but Johnny had no doubt that they’d make it. And then Chicago would _actually_ feel like home again, because his definition of home had restructured; home had become wherever Taeil was.

//

_January 1st, 2021_

“I’m going now! Happy New Year!” Donghyuck departed out the front door of the Moon Cafe just as soon as 6 PM hit, and though Taeil could hardly blame him, he couldn’t help but feel a surge of irritation as he locked the doors behind him. Normally, Taeil could do all the closing tasks quickly while his father counted down the register and closed up the office— but _normally,_ things between them weren’t quite so tense. Taeil dallied at the back sink where he could be alone, dreading the task of sweeping and mopping the front while his father finished inventory… but they were family, they couldn’t avoid each other forever.

Working side-by-side in silence was still strange. Taeil said nothing as he mopped, and his father had none of his usual stories or puns or cheerful whistling. _Fair,_ he supposed. Taeil had known about his sexuality since middle school, he’d had _years_ to digest the idea, so he supposed he couldn’t expect his family to take to it overnight. His mother had even said as much the night before, when Taeil had dropped the bombshell on them after dinner and his father had gone wordlessly upstairs to be by himself— _“It’s a difficult thing to hear. It’s hard to adjust our idea of what your life is going to be. Give him a bit of time.”_

And then she’d hugged him and told him that she loved him. He couldn’t _remember_ the last time his mother had told him those words outright, but it had broken him back down into tears, and it still made his throat feel tight when he thought about it. He’d come out, and the world wasn’t ending.

 _And Johnny will be back next week. I just need to hold it together until then._ They would be apart for their anniversary, but back together soon after, and Taeil swore, he wouldn’t ever take his boyfriend for granted ever again. He couldn’t wait to cuddle up in Johnny’s bed, lay his head on his chest, and ask his boyfriend to just wrap his arms around him and squeeze him tight and make him feel safe again. He actually found himself so immersed in his longing that he forgot he was supposed to be mopping and found himself staring out the window, and he quickly hurried to finish, wondering if his father had noticed what a wreck he’d been all December long.

With the closing tasks done, Taeil finally turned off the lights and slipped on his winter coat. It had been bitterly cold all day, and the frigid temperatures made his father’s arthritis somehow even worse; they weren’t even yet outside, and his hands were already shaking as he buttoned up the front of his coat. Wordlessly, Taeil reached over to do it for him, avoiding his eyes.

He’d disappointed his parents in a lot of ways, he thought; his grades were average, he didn’t have any special skills, and especially during his teenage years, he’d been plagued by anxiety so severe that he couldn’t bear to leave the house. He’d always felt strange and out-of-place in the world, the type of person whose parents couldn’t even fully understand him. The _least_ he could do, as a grown and semi-functional adult, was be filial.

“It’s been a long day,” his father said, almost as if making an excuse for his own ineptitude. “Will you drive us home?” He reached into his coat pocket, pulling out his heavy ring of keys: for the house, the front gate, various things around the cafe, and of course, for the old car that he’d had since Taeil was little. He took immaculate care of it, and Taeil knew that not many people were allowed to drive it; that little reminder of his father’s trust, despite everything else, made him smile.

“Of course. Why don’t you wait here where it’s warm, and let me start the engine?” Taeil suggested, taking the keys. “I’ll be right back.”

“That’s fine,” his father answered impassively, watching him as he left through the kitchen to take the back door outside, the quickest way to the car. Even the metal door was painfully cold to the touch, and Taeil struggled to wiggle his fingers into his gloves as his boots crunched through the snow. The snow had started to fall in large flakes just as the back door closed behind him, and there was a good chance that the car doors were frozen shut, which wasn’t always an easy fix. _Damn winter._ He hated the cold nearly as much as he hated the perpetual gloom. Seasonal depression was a real bitch.

Luckily, the driver’s door opened with a few good tugs, and the car’s engine puttered in the cold but started up after a moment’s resistance. Taeil made sure the defrost and heat were on full blast, and then waited for the breeze from the vents to warm up while his teeth chattered.

 _Tomorrow is our one-year anniversary, and I’m going to wake up early so that I can spend it on Skype with Johnny._ The thought was enough to make him smile. He’d hardly heard from his boyfriend all day (he was visiting family and had poor reception), but Taeil was hungry for some of that pure, soft, warm reassurance that Johnny provided, especially after the whirlwind of a holiday season that he’d had.

Speaking of which: he pulled out his phone, hands shaking as he opened his message thread with Johnny, untouched since the night before, when he’d relayed the news of his coming out. He smiled faintly, and with quivering fingers, he typed a quick message;

_➭ I can’t wait for tomorrow, jsyk… and I ESPECIALLY can’t wait until next week when I get to kiss you again._

… though curiously, his message was marked “read” at once, and a speech bubble popped up to indicate Johnny typing a reply.

 _Johnny_ 😽 _  
_ _➭ Are you still at work?_

 _➭ Yeah I’m warming up the car so I can leave_ 😩

 _Johnny_ 😽 _  
_ _➭ Okay give me 1 minute_

One minute? Was Johnny going to call him? The thought of hearing his voice gave Taeil a warm rush through his body, and he kept his phone unlocked, waiting and poised to answer Johnny’s call as soon as it popped up.

Just when Taeil was starting to get a bit antsy, a tap on the car window made him jump and yelp (and reach for his pocketknife) but as soon as his eyes registered the rosy cheeks and the dimpled smile on the other side of the glass, his jaw dropped— he could hardly wait for Johnny to step aside and let him throw the door open, and the force of Taeil’s hug just about knocked him over into the snow. The flakes were _really_ coming down, sticking to their coats and melting unpleasantly against Taeil’s cheek when it rested on Johnny’s shoulder, but he couldn’t care, he _couldn’t—_

“When did you get back?! You’re supposed to be gone for another four days! Johnny— _fuck—”_ Taeil was too excited to give Johnny proper time to answer before he was popping onto his toes and pulling him down for a kiss, fingers threaded through his beloved’s long, messy hair. And of course, just like every time before— barely a second after their lips meshed, the anxiety was gone, like a shot of morphine, replaced with head-to-toe _warmth._ He couldn’t exactly explain it, whether Johnny was an extraordinarily good kisser, or—

Or maybe they were just built for each other. Taeil wasn’t a spiritual person, he didn’t really subscribe to the idea of _fate,_ but admittedly, he’d thought about it a handful of times. It would explain the moment of electricity the very first time they’d locked eyes, and how perfectly their bodies fit together like two complimentary puzzle pieces. It would explain how Johnny always rushed into things half-prepared compared to how Taeil second-guessed every last thing, and how Johnny was an extrovert and Taeil was an introvert but they could still spend days tangled up in each other without feeling cut-off or overstimulated.

 _“God—_ I spent _days_ thinking you’d never let me kiss you again. Just let me—” Johnny’s warm hands cupped Taeil’s cold cheeks, and he stole one more kiss, gentle but insistent. “There. _That’s_ better,” he sighed as they came apart, their labored breaths flying out of their mouth in thick white steam. “Got my flight switched— I’ve been on an airplane the last fourteen hours. I wanted to surprise you, though! We missed Christmas, and I didn’t want to spend our anniversary apart, too.” His arms slipped back around Taeil’s waist, giving him a tight squeeze. “Congratulations on coming out of the closet! I’m so proud of you, babe. Does it seem like everything’s going to be okay?”

“I think so. I mean— it’s been strange, I don’t quite know how my dad is taking it, but… my life is _perfect_ as of about sixty seconds ago, so it’s become kind of hard to worry about anything else.” He sighed, closing his eyes and relishing in the gentle pressure of Johnny’s forehead resting against his, the subtle bite of his cologne and the steely strength of arms that would always protect him. “I’ll come with you next year, Johnny. I promise. By then, I’ll be ready.”

“You don’t have to push yourself if you don’t want to— although my mom kept mentioning that she’s _dying_ to video chat with you sometime. And my little brother, Mark… he keeps insisting that he doesn’t _need_ to brush up on his Korean, so I want you to talk really fast and confuse the hell out of him.”

“A video chat… I guess that’s the least I can do for you,” Taeil half-teased, nuzzling into Johnny’s shoulder for a few self-indulgent seconds before he suddenly thought to turn the tables— asking tentatively, “Do you… want to meet _my_ family? Dad’s inside. We’re about to go home for dinner. You could join us.”

Johnny’s eyes widened, cheeks suddenly reddened from more than just the cold. Johnny rarely got so fluterested, and it was always _so_ cute— “Wait, are you sure, hyung? I mean, I’d love to, I’d go with you in a _heartbeat,_ but I don’t want you to feel like you have to do this all at once.”

Taeil shrugged. He was feeling stronger, more rejuvenated, and he wanted to take advantage of this _spark_ now that it was back in his life. “I thought you told me you were great with parents?” he challenged simply, breaking away from Johnny with a grin. “Get in the car, I’ll go get my dad. If he’s adamantly against having you over, I’ll text you, but either way, hang tight, because there’s no way I’m making you walk home in the snow.”

“Okay.” Johnny exhaled, unconsciously squaring his shoulders into his best posture as Taeil let go of him. “Okay, babe. I love you, and I trust you. Don’t let me get beat up.”

“My dad isn’t going to beat you up!” Well, Taeil hoped. Most of the time, he was a man of remarkably good humor, content with his life for what it was— he was a little conservative, a little impatient with the changing times, but he was good at heart, and Taeil knew that he _liked_ to like people. And Johnny, in his opinion, was difficult to _dislike._

“Dad?” Taeil opened the cafe’s back door for his dad, who had been waiting in the fading warmth of the kitchen. “The car is just about ready. Uh— Johnny, my boyfriend, is back early, and he came here to meet me— is it okay if he comes over for dinner?” He had to admit, he _was_ nervous, and he rushed through his words so it sounded more like _Johnnymyboyfriend,_ but if his father was surprised, he did an excellent job of hiding it.

“It’s been a long time since you’ve introduced us to one of your friends,” his father mused, in a way that made Taeil wonder if he’d misunderstood, but then he went on, after a quiet sigh that Taeil couldn’t exactly read: “If you’re serious about this, then I suppose we’ll have to meet him sooner or later. Text your sister and tell her to set an extra place at the table.”

 _➭ All good! I can’t tell you how much this means to me, love_ 💓

“Okay,” Taeil tried not to let his voice tremble as he swiped away his conversation with Johnny. “Thanks, Dad. I think you’re really going to like him. And— he’s a really good guy, you don’t need to worry about anything, okay?”

“Can’t you text and walk at the same time? I’d like to get home before the car is buried in a snowbank,” his father asked with his usual dry, harsh sort of mirth.

 _Home._ For a second, he couldn’t help but envision Johnny sitting beside him at their dining room table— anywhere with Johnny really did feel more like home. Maybe that apartment together was a closer possibility than Taeil had originally thought.


End file.
